How many words do you think you hear each day?
Recent research by the International Listening Association suggests it’s between 20,000 to 30,000. Feel sorry for the person who had to do the counting.
How many of those words are actually interesting? *shrugs shoulders* Most people utter between 125 and 175 words a minute, although our capacity to listen is up to around 450 words per minute. Hey, if you talk that fast, PLEASE WARN ME. But the average person only retains about 17% of what they hear. That is not very encouraging for those that jabber on. Five out of every six words just flop themselves onto the floor, wriggle around for a moment before being swiftly forgotten.
When it comes to talking, sometimes less is more.
Why does this matter? Because listening – and being listened to – affects our mental health.
Ask yourself: What impact does it have on you (your thinking, feeling, doing) when someone interrupts you frequently, patronises you, or mutters “aha, yeah…yeah” without eye contact? Many people would say it feels frustrating and stressful. For children not being listened to it conveys a harmful assumption to them that they are worth-less. This can take years to resolve later in life.
“Weren’t you listening?” they ask, and something in the living dynamic between the two people withers. Some unique bit of thinking may never see the light of day again.
The act of truly listening to another human is one of the single biggest ways we convey that this other person is indeed equal, whole and worthy.
Imagine a world where we listened and understood one another more? What could change? Less conflict and depression perhaps?
We all know that part of being a good communicator means knowing not just what to listen to, but how to listen. Dr. Ralph Nicols, known as the “father of studying how to listen” said back in 1980 that:
“…the most basic of human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
Being an effective listener means engaging our ears, eyes, and brain (the anterior cingulate cortex, to be precise). This means we get tuned in to what’s being said, the facts and the feelings, what’s being said by the body as well as the mouth. This all takes time to learn how to do. A lifetime it seems.
Here are 2 things to know and try out if you want to listen up a little more, and light up the people around you:
- Listening looks passive. You could kinda just sit there, right? But true listening is hugely active. The single biggest difference we can make in listening is to quieten the thoughts in our own heads whilst someone else talks. For example, instead of analysing, judging and interpreting the other person’s 175 words a minute – try slowing your own breathing down and just thinking to yourself, “I wonder what else this person thinks, feels and wants to say?” Be interested. As Nancy Kline, pioneer of the Thinking Environment says, “attention is itself an incisive question” (1).
In our coaching work with young people and teachers, creating this “generative attention” has a liberating effect on the human brain. One student recently said to us: “It’s odd, but somehow in these (coaching) sessions I remember all the things that are important to me.” That’s the power of attentive listening. It improves memory and problem solving.
- One thing it’s not good to listen to too much is complaining or nagging. Listening to complaints for 30 minutes or more can cause damage to the part of your brain that handles problem-solving skills! So if the talker is spilling negativity, you might want to contain chats to shorter spans of time, or get strategic about when you ask them how they are! Listening involves asking interested questions, such as “what’s going well?” or “what would you like to do about that (problem)?” This can help shift negativity. Don’t just listen to the problem, point towards a solution with a question.
What are your thoughts? Why not drop us a message… we’ll listen, attentively. Promise.
Notes:
(1) More about the Thinking Environment and the work of Nancy Kline – here
(2) A copy of this article first appeared in The Connection Magazine, May 2018